Trying. To. Do. It. All.



We are so blessed to have such beautiful Autumn days here in Western Sydney. Low 20s again this week with loads of sunshine and cool nights. Our fireplace has not been used very much so far which is good because it helps us conserve our firewood stockpile.
We were supposed to have a 'rain event' in the second half of the past week but it was a no show here. We had a little rain overnight  but all Saturday sports went ahead! (I am my children's BIGGEST fan!!)

source: tinybuddha/facebook
So. When I read back over my last post, I see a few signs (now) that things were beginning to unravel for me. At the time, I dismissed it as a bad day, kept calm and carried on and achieved what needed to be done on the day. Unfortunately over the next week, my 'emotional tower' took a hit and began to sway. I became vulnerable to the world around me and as the emotional tower continued to sway, my Husband took me in his arms to shield and protect me.He took over the household chores which allowed me the time to lay in the darkness of our bedroom sorting through the ton of thoughts, fears, emotions, stress and exhaustion that had enveloped me. Little things ate at me, like a an ulcer growing. Running a list of 'to dos' in my head left me feeling light headed and somewhat dizzy; not a good thing when driving! The shallow yet rapid breathing and pounding heart. That sick feeling in the pit of my stomach waiting for a 'fight or flight' decision to be made. 

I think I have found the root cause. Trying. To. Do. It. All. And it isn't what you think. It's not the "supermum' label that has grabbed me by the throat. In fact, I am not sure what the actual label or the best label would be. 

So what is it?

For me it is - becoming increasingly aware of our lack of care for the environment in our home - the constant worry of the amount of chemicals and additives etc we are exposed to - the worry of developing cancer or one of my children or Hubby developing cancer - trying to cook from scratch and eliminate sugar and additives etc - living on one income and not making ends meet - finding it hard to get back into the work force doing what I love rather than settling for second best - knowing too well the unfairness of the welfare system in this country - toxic family members - toxic and competitive parents in my children's sports teams - constant worry about the future - seeing the stress school is putting on my kids - finding lights left on, food left to waste in lunchboxes, yelling at kids to turn the shower off - the constant and nagging inner talk that I am not doing it all and certainly not doing it right. (Even just typing out that list has left me feeling giddy.) All of this have given rise to anxiety. 

What's next then? To be kind to myself. To only do what needs to be done for the household to function smoothly. Rest. Flood my body and mind with nourishment. When I catch myself getting caught up in the social media circus of all the things I should be doing, to switch it off and walk away. To draw my husband and children in closer. To reclaim the weird and wonderful individual I am.

source: www.sweatpantsandcoffee.com

Until next time,
Vicky










Comments

  1. Oh Dear...Unfortunately I hear you loud and clear. I don't watch the news any more, because I just can't. I languish in self imposed FB bans sometimes, because the rot gets too much. The smallest of quotes (of all things) marked a turning point for me "Being awake to carry my grain of sand is enough." And the next best thing I did was join an environmental group that took my interest (Boomerang Bags) we sew repurposed fabric, reusable bags to be used instead of plastic, it's probably not going to change the world, but I am doing something...my grain of sand. Glad you are taking time to rest and recharge.

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